Humor Quotations

    *  "Education is worth a whole lot. Just think - with enough
education and brains the average man would make a good lawyer - and so
would the average lawyer."
      -- Grace Allen (Gracie)

    * "It's foolish to bet on a horse without talking to him first. I
know it seems silly to ask a horse who's going to win a race - but it's
no sillier than asking anyone else."
      -- Grace Allen (Gracie)

    * "Build a better mousetrap than your neighbour and Kraft Cheese
will beat a path to your door."
      -- Grace Allen (Gracie)

    * "First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget
to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."
      -- George Burns

    * "Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is,
I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth."
      -- George Burns

    * "For forty years my act consisted of one joke. And then she
died."
      -- George Burns

    * "Happiness is having a large, loving, caring close-knit family in
another city."
      -- George Burns

    * "Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere."
      -- George Burns

    * "Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without
arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place."
      -- Johnny Carson

    * "Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and
anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president."
      -- Johnny Carson

    * "Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then
having him catch his hand in the drill."
      -- Johnny Carson

    * "I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food."
      -- Johnny Carson

    * "The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying
about money."
      -- Johnny Carson

    * "Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you
yell the name will carry."
      Bill Cosby

    * ""Don't worry about senility," my grandfather used to say. "When
it hits you, you won't know it.""
      Bill Cosby

    * "Fatherhood is telling your daughter that Michael Jackson loves
all his fans, but has special feelings for the ones who eat broccoli."
      Bill Cosby

    * "Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act
that two people in love can commit."
      Bill Cosby

    * "I wasn't always black... There was this freckle, and it got
bigger and bigger."
      Bill Cosby

    * "Immortality is a long shot, I admit. But somebody has to be
first."
      Bill Cosby

    * "I love being married. It's so great to find that one special
person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."
      -- Rita Rudner

    * "I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a
new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a
really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose."
      -- Rita Rudner

    * "I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for
marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."
      -- Rita Rudner

    * "I want to have children while my parents are still young enough
to take care of them."
      -- Rita Rudner

    * "I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird
religious cult."
      -- Rita Rudner

    * "Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him,
"Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each
other.""
      -- Rita Rudner

    * "I always did well on the essay questions. Just put everything
you know on there, maybe you'll hit it."
      -- Jerry Seinfeld

    * "No face, mouth open ... that is how the drug companies see the
public."
      -- Jerry Seinfeld

    * "On the side of box of my superman costume it actually said - 'Do
not attempt to fly!'"
      -- Jerry Seinfeld

    * "People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to."
      -- Jerry Seinfeld

    * "The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make
strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk
like you because it's so much fun."
      -- Jerry Seinfeld

    * "Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
      -- Steven Wright

    * "I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to
buy them again."
      -- Steven Wright

    * "I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a
full house and four people died."
      -- Steven Wright

    * "If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?"
      -- Steven Wright

    * "Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it
said, "Wish you were here.""
      -- Steven Wright

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